(exhaling): Ahhh... the weekend starts here.
TV ANNOUNCER: And now, a sporting event.
(up-tempo theme playing)
Is it Sunday night already?
Another weekend of us doing absolutely nothing.
Ha! Look at us-- a couple of good-for-nothing, lazy bums.
What?!
You do nothing! I've been...
(snoring)
Two bums.
(funky disco plays) ♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
♪ Right back in my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family ♪
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear ♪
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place ♪
♪ Where everyone will know ♪
♪ My happy mustached face ♪
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
== Ssnc, corrected by elderman == (chuckles)
The Cleveland Show 02x09 Beer Walk! Original Air Date on December 5, 2010
(snoring)
(yawning)
You do nothing every weekend.
I work my tail off.
What?
Last night you said...
Wait-- you sat here all night waiting to scold me?
Why didn't you wake me up?
I tried.
(snoring)
(air horn blasting)
(snoring)
Ha, ha! Booze.
Cleveland, I cook, clean, watch the kids,
bring home the bacon... (snoring)
Cleveland!
I do everything around here,
and I even make time for all my charity work,
which is what defines me.
Wait a minute-- charity work?
We've watched every episode of this show-- I've never seen her do any charity.
Dude, they can't show everything.
We don't see every time she goes to the bathroom.
We see every time Cleveland goes to the bathroom.
Look, he's going right now.
(toilet flushing)
As I was saying, I have a charity, too.
I give money to feeble-minded black children.
Their names are Rallo and Roberta.
I'm talking about a real charity, you selfish fool.
Like the one I'm involved in-- Crutched By an Angel.
We provide walkers and wheelchairs for the disabled,
and the extremely lazy.
Me, selfish?
You may give a kid a wheelchair--
I'd rather teach that child to walk...
and to dance!
(crickets chirping)
(door creaking)
Jamie?
Jamie?!
Come on, this isn't funny anymore.
It's cold and I'm only wearing a very thin little T-shirt
and tiny little panties.
Don't go out there, you hot dummy.
(ominous music playing)
(screaming)
(both gasp)
(screaming)
Sick, man! Turn it off! Turn it off!
Calm down, ladies.
I'll go get my mom's gun in case anybody tries to break in.
Ahh, help!
Yaaahh! BOTH: Ahhhh!
(sobbing)
(laughing)
Damn, that felt good.
You shouldn't do that to people, Rallo.
What? Yeah, I guess you're right...
Yaahhh! (thuds)
(laughing)
Oh, man, scaring people is...
(yelling)
(laughing): ...fun.
I could get used to... (yelling)
(laughing) ...this.
Seriously, man, ease up.
You know I have cardiac myopathy...
(yelling) (screaming)
Oh, I'm gonna have fun with this.
Can't you throw down my nitroglycerin pills?
Rallo, you there...?
(Rallo yelling, Walt screaming and sobbing)
Just because Donna's got her charity
she thinks she can call me selfish.
But no one leaves more pennies
in the leave-a-penny, take-a-penny cup than I.
No one.
Do you take money?
Irrelevant!
I did some charity once.
Boned an ugly chick-- last Cinco de Mayo.
Terrible skin. Just laid there.
Woke up next morning--
turned out she was a piñata shaped like SpongeBob.
Drove her to my niece's sixth birthday party.
Didn't need to buy a present.
Two birds-- one bone.
Screw charity.
Man, you know, I pledged $50 to stop diabetes,
and then I find out that there's still diabetes.
And then I'm like, "What?!"
Man, talk about a rip-off.
Hell, pledge me a dollar for every beer I drink.
Cleveland, I'm a genius!
The four of us will hold an event right here
where people pledge money for every beer we drink.
And we'll give all the proceeds to Donna's charity.
It's a... a beer walk.
(chanting): Beer walk, beer walk, beer walk...
(all chanting): Beer walk, beer walk, beer walk, beer walk,
beer walk, beer walk,
(slowly): beer... walk.
(kissing and moaning sounds)
Chucky!
(screaming) (screaming)
I just blapped my pants.
(evil laughter)
Vroom, vroom! Beep, beep.
Vroom!
Thanks for coming to get drunk for charity, guys.
Yeah, whatever. Fox is paying us.
Wow, Cleveland, I figured it was going to be all black guys,
but this is great. Missed ya.
I came as soon as I heard.
Then I drove straight down. Giggity-giggity!
Comedy-comedy.
(speaking slowly): But seriously, Joe--
thank you for coming here to help with our charity function
for the disabled.
You do know I hear perfectly well, don't you, Cleveland?
I know you're trying.
Brave... brave... Joe.
(Joe screaming) What do you think of Cleveland's old friends?
Gay. Damn right gay.
Yeah, you guys are so gay.
Gay, gay, gay, gay, so gay!
(all laughing)
Really progressive thinking friends you got there, Cleveland.
Yeah, I guess they like to throw around
negatively inflected labels.
You guys are the gays.
No, Joe. Joe, please.
Hi, Peter. Hi, Quagmire.
(speaking slowly): And you must be Joe.
Hi, I'm Donna, Cleveland's wife.
Hello.
Does your penis work?
Well, sort of. ALL: Aw!
Well, what's that supposed to mean?
The Born on the Fourth of July guy's doesn't.
Ron Kovic. Hey, Cleveland, can I do your wife?
Look, Cleveland, as long as this beer walk stunt helps people,
I'll put up with is.
But I want you and everyone else
to see what our organization is really about.
(party chatter)
(inspiring music playing)
This is Ethan.
Little Ethan is nine years old, and he's never...
CLEVELAND: Show us your jugs!
(laughter)
Okay, buzz kill terminated.
Let's get this tax-deductible party started.
(cheering)
(chanting): Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug...
(slurred): May I, may I have a glass of water?
Hey, Gus, how are those potato skins coming...?
(crashing, bottles shattering)
Bear down. End of Beer Walk.
These chowderheads consumed 334 beers.
That means they raised an approximate total of--
carry the one--
$334.
(crowd cheering)
Yes!
I'm better than you, Donna.
(slurred): Hey, Cleveland, we're, we're gonna just take off.
What? Already?
Yeah, we're ju... we're gonna beat the traffic.
(thud)
Ah, ah... Come on.
Come on, come on, Mr. Keys.
Here, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key.
(grunts)
Bye, dicks!
Okay, bye.
(sighs)
I am the champions, my friend.
That's enough, Cleveland.
Let's go home.
Will you wash me?
Oh, hold up, there's a unicycle.
Hey, Uncle Sam, can I borrow your unicycle?
It's not mine.
Cleveland, no.
You're not the boss of me, are you?
Hey, y'all want to see me ride a unicycle drunk off my ass?
(crowd cheering)
CROWD (chanting): Cleveland, Cleveland...
Cleveland, no!
I will not allow you to break your neck!
Yes, you will-- for charity.
Pull the blocks away.
CROWD (chanting): Cleveland, Cleveland, Cleveland...
God, why?!
(splat)
(grunts and groans)
Donna? Donna?!
Are you all right?!
Oh, Donna!
(giggles)
Look.
Oh, Donna! Oh!
Oh, Donna, I can't help feeling
that somehow, in some way, this is my fault.
Good thing Dr. Fist says tomorrow you'll be right as rain.
No, fatface!
He said six to eight weeks if she's lucky.
But you're still going to be able
to keep up your housework, right?
I mean, you don't cook with your legs.
All right, I get it. I'll do the house cleaning.
And take care of the kids.
And you'll have to take over my responsibilities with my charity.
Roberta, your breasts.
Sorry.
Don't worry, Donna, dear--
I'll take care of everything.
By your side I am, and by your side I'll stay.
(screaming)
BRAZILIAN ANNOUNCER: Y hombre mysterioso, El Hamburguesa!
(with Portuguese accent): Is this true, El Hamburguesa?
Your name is Cleveland Brown?!
You have another wife and children?!
(gasps)
(moaning)
(both moaning)
(moaning)
Cleveland, what are you doing?
He's humping the air... like our dog used to do--
before he crushed it to death.
Like he tried to do to you.
What is taking you so long
to make a stupid frozen pizza?
Is your name Domino? Then shut up.
(bell ringing) DONNA: Cleveland, can I have some water?
(sighs) Just a minute, Donna!
(groans)
Found the problem, Mr. Brown.
See, these models tend to overflow
when a dad who's taken on household responsibilities
is at his most comically overwhelmed, and...
Whoa, whoa. There she blows!
Oh, no! The laundry, the dinner,
Roberta-- all unsalvageable disasters!
(bell ringing)
Don't worry, Roberta.
I'll make us a frosting sandwich.
(washing machine rattling)
(screams)
(laughs evilly)
Aw, man. Dangerous.
(bell ringing)
(running footsteps)
Aw, my baby, working so hard for me.
You mind getting me today's paper?
I need to pick my horses.
Yep. Okay.
Roger. Copy.
Ten-four.
(sweetly): Thanks, Cleveland.
And can you stop by the video store?
I think there was a mix-up.
These DVDs say True Blood,
but they're just some gay guy's nightmare.
(both growling and hissing suggestively)
Guys, can't stay.
Need to pick up groceries tonight.
No time tomorrow.
Got to fix the dishwasher...
shampoo the carpets, renew the Triple-A membership,
Cleveland? caulk the tub, water the grass...
Cleveland! What?
Uh, quick question?
Where's your purse, lady man?
Where is my purse?!
Oh, there it is. Ah!
Go, go, go, go, go.
What the Fark.gov happened to him?!
Donna's taking advantage of him.
Just like I took advantage of that sale at Banana Republic.
(whistles)
I say we go confront her right now
before Cleveland gets home.
Yeah, we can bring her some of Arianna's
sticky buns as an excuse.
Arianna's got sticky buns, does she? Yeah.
You help glaze those buns yourself, Tim?
As a matter of fact, yeah. So what?
(both snickering)
Do you like to eat her buns after you glaze 'em?
That's a my business.
(whistles)
(chanting): Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
(knocking)
Cleveland, is that you?
(door creaks)
(gasps) Did something happen to Cleveland?
Yeah, you turned him into a bitch.
What are you talking about?
I'll tell you what I'm talking about!
I'm talking about you're faking all this!
She is?
Trust me. If there's one thing
I have experience with, it's women faking it.
And I'm gonna prove it.
(Donna shrieks)
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Holt, stop, you drunk jackass!
I have two broken legs!
Well, then I can't re-break them
by pushing you down the stairs!
(screaming)
Yes, I'm faking it!
I finally get Cleveland to pick up
some of the slack around here,
and you think you douche-wangs are gonna ruin it?!
If anyone says a word about this to my husband,
I will cut your pretty little face!
(unzipping)
Why are you unzipping your pants?
Because you're choking me.
(grunts)
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to the E! Network's
100 Greatest Celebrity Nip-Slips,
Cheek-Peeks and Shaft-Gaffes!
Cleveland, would you mind making me up
another little plate of pickles and carrots
and black olives and stuff?
Hmm? Yeah, plate of pickles,
fix the gutters, charity dinner.
Is that Billy Crystal shaft-gaffin'?
(knocking)
Tim! I thought
I told you and your buddies
to stay the hell away from my house.
Ah, yeah, yeah, you did, you did.
And, you know, then this morning, I remembered something.
I'm a bear. I can kill you.
Maul you, rip your face off an-and eat you.
And I won't even go to jail, you know,
'cause, 'cause, uh, 'cause-'cause I'm a bear.
I think, uh, you know, in the heat of the moment,
I kind of forgot that.
But, uh, yeah, I'm a bear.
I can kill you.
So, uh, tell Cleveland the truth.
'Cause if you don't...
(roaring)
(chuckles)
Okay. Okay, byesies!
Oh, come on!
Junior, why are your socks in the refrigerator?!
My feet get hot.
Cleveland, can we talk?
(gasps) You can walk!
All hail the alien overlord Xenu!
No, baby, listen to me.
I tricked you. I'm sorry.
I didn't really break my legs.
Ruin her credit rating, Xenu!
I realized I do every damn thing around this house
while you sit on your butt watching sports.
So I asked Dr. Fist to make me some fake casts.
And he did.
I think because he wants to sleep with me.
He's always vaguely creepy during my exams,
but not in a direct way that I can really call him on.
(chuckles) Oh, Dr. Fist.
What a hound.
(birds singing)
(yawning)
Kids, wake up!
Right now, so I can fix you breakfast...
All right, beautiful boy,
here's your bacon and fresh-baked "kress-ants."
Merci, Papa!
And your coffee, black as Atlanta.
Thank you.
You're not still mad at me?
Mad at you? I should thank you.
Being a homemaker is the toughest job I've ever loved.
With the best benefits and the shortest commute.
Cleveland, can I ask you for some... advice?
What's the problem?
Talk to me about it!
Donna, she needs honest advice.
And cranberry juice.
Oh, well, let me get it for you, Roberta!
Yaahh! (shrieks)
Ah, my face!
Donna!
Oh, my God! My baby!
You do not hit a child.
It was instinctive! I didn't mean to...
Enough! For shame, Donna.
For shame.
And you-- no scare! No!
Yes, sir, Cleveland.
All I needed was some parenting.
(whispers): Shame.
So, Cleveland's the homemaker now.
And the truth is, he's better at it than I ever was.
(sighs) To be honest, I don't even know what my role is.
Well, Donna, it's a nice change of pace to have a drink
with a sad, whining woman,
but, uh, you know,
I-I'm sick of seeing you all down in your mouth.
I mean, I mean, who are you? Answer me!
Well, I'm... I'm Donna.
No! You are a lioness.
And no one is going to displace you or you will roar!
Now who are you?!
I am a lioness!
OTHERS: Yeah!
It's my house! OTHERS: Yeah!
And you know what?
I'm going to the Crutched By an Angel dinner
to let Cleveland know that that's my charity!
I run the show!
Yeah! You go, Donna!
Charity is what defines you!
Yeah! Yeah! Ooh! All right!
My roommate and I are having a showering contest.
Will you guys be the judges?
Get out of here!
Yeah, we're watching The Cleveland Show!
♪ ♪
Hello, everyone.
Please either take your seat
or remain seated forever as applicable.
I'd like to introduce the newest member
of the CBAA family, Cleveland Brown!
(applause)
Wow.
This is...
Wow.
To all of you plegics, both para and quadra,
I may be able to run a mile and bathe myself
and compete on Dancing With The Stars--
should my prayers be answered.
Please, Xenu.
However...
Hold up!
Donna, what are you doing here?
You've never been interested in charity.
That is not... (sighs)
Cleveland, I have something to share with you
and everyone here, especially the women.
I had it all:
I was a mother, a wife and a career woman.
Yes, it was a lot of work,
but it's woman's work.
This woman.
And I am taking back my home.
No! Nothing has ever made me feel so worthy,
so indispensable!
Please, Cleveland, let me do what I was born to do.
Everything.
All right.
Because I love you.
I love you, too, Cleveland!
What's going on?! I can't see!
Thanks for putting me in the back!
(audience cheering)
(laughs)
She bought it!
Oh, ho, ho! Oh!
I-I wish you could've been here when I gave
that stupid lioness speech that you wrote!
Hey, I'm the one who was willing
to kill her to see if she was faking it.
And I played the redneck hayseed!
Here's to dum-dum,
the love of my life.
I'll teach him to wash my dishes in my house.
Wait. What the (bleep) am I doing?!
== sync, corrected by elderman ==